This is just for me. And Sage. My smiles. My tears. Rays of sunshine and raindrops. Cloudbursts.
It's hard to let go of last year. I feel like I am letting go of Sage. Closing a chapter. And I will never do that. Coop had a rough night last night; overtired, holidays, long day. He yelled "Why don't I just go kill myself?!" Kids say shit. But it gutted me. I hate that I have brought so much pain to other people's lives. I know it's not my responsibility. I know I didn't ask for this. I know Sage didn't ask for this. It just is. It would kill me if anyone else was hurt because of me. I just want everyone to be ok. I want the people I love to be ok. A hundred times a day I have that confused "wait... did that happen" moment. Is Sage really gone. Was she mine? And then I see her. In the closet. Purple lips. Black shirt. Teal letters. Beautiful pastel rainbow hair. Cold. I miss them so much. And I also feel them so much a part of me now. I had to stop reading the "Suicide Under 13" Support board when the third parent killed themselves. I have never in my life contemplated suicide. But I understand why they did what they did. Everything hurts. And if it wasn't for Zach, and for all of the pain that I see everyone else going through now, it really would be a hard choice.
I love what Sage lived for. I love who they were. I am proud of them. I miss them. I cannot wait to see them again someday. It is not soon enough. I love you, baby. Until then I will look for you in rainbows and feathers and all of the other little ways that you make me smile. #sagespotting
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