New Year

It's hard to let go of last year.  I feel like I am letting go of Sage.  Closing a chapter.  And I will never do that.  Coop had a rough night last night; overtired, holidays, long day. He yelled "Why don't I just go kill myself?!" Kids say shit.  But it gutted me.  I hate that I have brought so much pain to other people's lives.  I know it's not my responsibility.  I know I didn't ask for this.  I know Sage didn't ask for this.  It just is.  It would kill me if anyone else was hurt because of me.  I just want everyone to be ok.  I want the people I love to be ok.  A hundred times a day I have that confused "wait... did that happen" moment.  Is Sage really gone.  Was she mine?  And then I see her.  In the closet.  Purple lips.  Black shirt.  Teal letters.  Beautiful pastel rainbow hair. Cold.  I miss them so much.  And I also feel them so much a part of me now.  I had to stop reading the "Suicide Under 13" Support board when the third parent killed themselves.  I have never in my life contemplated suicide.  But I understand why they did what they did.  Everything hurts.  And if it wasn't for Zach, and for all of the pain that I see everyone else going through now, it really would be a hard choice.  

I love what Sage lived for.  I love who they were.  I am proud of them.  I miss them.  I cannot wait to see them again someday.  It is not soon enough.  I love you, baby.  Until then I will look for you in rainbows and feathers and all of the other little ways that you make me smile.  #sagespotting